I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize