You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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