i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
