On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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