i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
