I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
