Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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