there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
