I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
