I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
