I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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