I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
