Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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