New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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