I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
