Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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