Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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