Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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