I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
