I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize