Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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