dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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