Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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