yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
