Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
