My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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