I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
