She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
