forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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