really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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