I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
