This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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