i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
