so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
