connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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