I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
