I showed him my bush... on skype.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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