I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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