I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize