i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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