you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
