Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
