you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
