Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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