I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I cockslap morals
i just had sex bonerless
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Randomize
