allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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