im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
