I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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