AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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