Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
