Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
