My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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