This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
