i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
