Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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