I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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