sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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