Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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