My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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